It's not that you are throwing in the towel; it's just that you are beginning to look at your future in a different manner. It's certainly not going to be quite what you expected. Pay attention to how your view of the world is changing now, but don't try to put your thoughts into action until later in the week.

utter disappointment.

perhaps it was bcos i had come from a shattered family tt's why i started to invest my time, effort, money, and most imptly, sincerity into his instead. i think it was him who had suggested it altogether. "since u dun have a warm fam, u can share mine". how wonderful it seemed before. and the more i put in, the greater the disappointment. i thot i was angry with them initially. but the more i thot abt it, the more i realise tt it was sheer disappointment. the same kind tt i have wif my own fam. which ultimately leads to me giving up.

i think i do not want to see them again. bcos the moment i see them, the feeling of injustice would come into mind. i dunno who crystallis is, but she seems to know exactly what im gg through. they never get to the bottom of things and like all homo sapiens, being biased is a common trait of theirs. to them, im like a puppet which they use to entertain their child. anytime the puppet is unable to make him happy, they pierce a needle through its heart. bcos puppets are not supposed to have even one bit of emotions.

he said he defended me. but how, i asked. and shock was all i received. just like when the 2 lovers in paris were wronged, the guy refused to explain in detail to the rich couple. if you do not tell, how do people know whats gg on? "i made her angry and tt's why she behaved liddat". apt? i think not. bcos if someone tells me tt, i'd just shoot back: "why is she always angry?". goddammit i am so tired.

"love is never enough". how true is tt?

On 26th jan, just 5 mths into our rship, my darling wanted to break up with me. Cos I tried too hard to get him to wash up & go to work. Not bcos I wanted him to accompany me on the mrt, but bcos I wanted him to secure his job. I feel that even if he doesn't like his job, he shouldn't give anyone any reason to fire him. He should fire them instead. I didn't see any problem with his body. When I questioned him, he couldn't answer me. It reminded me too much of myself when I just simply didn't want to work last time. It would become a really bad habit. When I realise that I couldn't persuade him to get changed, I got frustrated and left for work. I guess I was wrong. My behaviour is always so intolerable. Darling says that he doesn't really love me anymore. And it's my entire fault. And that his family doesnt even like me. For all that I've done, all is gone to waste. Bcos pp are only able to see demerits. And everyone sees him as the most perfect guy and I'm the bloody bitch. Not just these pp. My so called frens, all of them think tt i'm always the one at fault. Fair? Nothing is fair. I think i'm better off DEAD.

i put in so much. i gave in so much. all for nought. i am so tired.

first day at dbs

first lady to greet me reminded me so much of christine.
short spunky hair, funky specs, talks very fast.
helped me to get my pwd for email & internet.

i got my staff pass ard noon time.
its just a card. not an access card.
they give us a round black disc for entry to everywhere.
even the toilet.

lan ID still not up yet.
wonder what benefits lie before me.
mebbi i shld get a credit card.
den go for lasik.
but i might just overspend again like last time.
how scary.

my mentor is of same age as me.
she seems happy in the dept.
even though she said OT is inevitable.
well, dis is singapore afterall.
its a small dept.
hopefully not much politics.
though i guess tt they're prob calling me pinkie by now.
but i think curry flavouring isnt their specialty.

to be continued...

spa & makeover

went for a spa & makeover today. e spa was at slimline in far east plaza. the steam bath was down but its ok. can always go to gym one next time. scrub and massage were so-so. my back still ached a little and my neck can still crack loud leh. wat i hate most is the hard selling. bo bian ma if not how they earn money rite?? overall spent 31.50 bucks for dis session. after spa went shopping for a while. bot a pink mini skirt for 17 bucks. considered very cheap le. and it's so my style. never did i think tt i'd wear it for the photoshoot thereafter.

i thot i'd never find the studio, which was located behind boat quay. surprisingly i found it without difficulty. the name of the studio is called naughty by nature. understood from the consultant tt they dun entertain walk-ins. only via referrals and members only. interesting. the consultant (i forgot his name) asked me not to change in e beginning and shooed me off to a transvestite to do my makeup. i think the makeup was so-so only. i can do better man. haha. after tt hair oso nvr do den went for first run of the photography liao. after tt i told the consultant i wanna change clothes. and oso put on my snowflakes earrings, which ended up unseen in the 2 free pics they gave me. the hair oso not properly done, cos supposed to curl but oso nvr curl. after the whole thing den i understand why. cos its a free trial, and they wun bother one. after u pay up den they do another photoshoot wif u. how much the package cost?? $2488. daylight robbery leh. but can do referrals and earn back the whole amount la. MLM?? hmm. the manager, an ang moh model called eddie, oso very hardsell. make me damn sian. but i just refuse to pay up. hahaha. ok la. now the pix, WITHOUT TOUCHUP. whoever got photoshop can loan me pls let me know!! best if can give free lessons oso la.

sian la touchup one got slimmer waist bigger boobs better complexion and whiter teeth leh.

lie down one the boobs like become so small hor. and oso can see the pimple one leh. lagi sianz.

Genting trip 9 - 13 Jan 06

just got back from genting & still feeling tired. sigh must be all e alcohol, smoke, and even plain water! can never forget how my darling sabo me during indian poker session!! all bcos of a stupid passport. hahaa. but i oso got sabo him during dai dee la. made him drink tiger since he likes to get wasted all e time. but sway leh not enuff tiger to get him drunk if not i will just rape him hahaha.

anyway it was a gd trip, wif gd pp who kept taking care of me. and the casino really made me giddy man. sian leh everytime go in kena check. first time chk show passport cannot. den show ic oso cannot. finally made my worldcard and slotscard den can. den after tt a stupid guard still asked me to smile when i showed him my card. if not for money i wun go in liao. hahaha. money money money...must be farnee... in a rich man's world. hah. time to savour pix again!

hiding inside e closet hehehe~

taking e ride at theme park. tt's yuande & qinglan at e back~

qinglan & me~

e 4 of us & e big tortoise~

me inside kBOX~

tt's our living room~

some chinese new yr decor at the hotel lobby~


at our balcony~

at e "bar counter" before our gambling round~

goodbye hsbc~

i have finally ended my career wif hsbc and i'm now a happy woman!! but i fear tt this might be temporary... cos who knows what lies ahead for me??? anywayz... it's time to move on now & i shan't regret!!

a big THANK YOU to all those who had been so kind as to tolerate my attitude, shower me wif parting gifts and treats, and esp those who wld like to see more of me in future~!!! may god bless you all~

i wanna go overseas!

i feel like gg overseas leh. but dunno where to go.

korea? taiwan? hk? malaysia? budget tight la hehe.

asked mum whether she wanna go together. shldn't need to ask at all.

but go alone? hmm scared i lose my way.

hahaha.

it's a sad start to a brand new year.

now i know. i aint important to him. nor to anybody else.

i need to take a break. alone i will be.